Receiving challenging feedback
feedback communication
Sign up witnesses. Ask your boss or team to alert you when they observe you mastering the skills or approaches flagged in your review. It’s human nature to categorize people and never change. To disrupt that pattern, ask them to look for positive evidence that you’re changing. As their brains do that work, their opinion of you will change!
Look for the well-intended message.
Without judging yourself, find the review’s message. Trust me, there’s at least a grain of helpful truth in your review. You’re not a horrible person. You’re not the worst performer ever. You just have some growing to do.
- Face the review fresh. After your first reading or discussion, turn to another activity. Physical activity can change your emotional state. Do something that will take your mind off the injustice, insult, or condemnation until you cool down. When you’re ready, take a second look. If you’re still struggling, pretend that you’re reading someone else’s review.
- Move from blame to curiosity. It’s easier to absorb a poor review when you’re curious about how to improve. “What can I learn from this?” is a better question than “What did I do wrong?” Assume that everything in the review is true and that the reviewer cares deeply about you. Your boss wants you to thrive. So get curious about what more you can learn.
- Put things in perspective. The review is also a reflection of the company culture versus how you show up. It might feel like a life-and-death battle, but you’re not dying. It’s just a job, and you get to decide what to do about it. You might decide to adapt or move on if the cultural fit isn’t right.
Hold a second conversation with your manager. Even if you had a positive review and a great first discussion, it’s worth a second one. Don’t wait too long. A few days is fine; more time leaves room for you to stew and for your manager to delay. The second discussion enables you to ask follow-up questions and dig into learning.
Make a connection.
Show that you care about what the person is saying in the moment. That doesn’t mean you have to agree. Keep the lines of communication open; you’ll receive more insight that way.
Stay calm or withdraw.
If you’re being reactive, you’re no longer learning. Take a break to recenter. That’s another way of saying, be a logical, rational, thinking person.
Thank your manager even if you feel angry.
Standing in your manager’s shoes, appreciate how hard it is to give feedback. Forgive poor delivery and accept positive intention. If you strengthen the connection, you’ll enlist your manager to coach you. That makes you a better manager in turn.
- Collect multiple perspectives. If you have a mentor or sponsor, schedule a discussion. Remain open, regardless of what you hear. You’re asking a more experienced person to read your review, offer advice, and recommend next steps for you. Even if your mentor’s view is wildly different from yours, take notes. If you can, find three different perspectives. This process gives you time and distance to understand your review, learn more about yourself, and regain your footing.
- Decide on your next steps. It’s up to you to make your development plan. Make sure to close the loop with your boss and the individuals you’ve reached out to. Align on what success looks like and how to measure your progress.